I know
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I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb