[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
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Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities