me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
You Might Also Like
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
where the womens at?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.