Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
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Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
oh shit
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Sniffing the broccoli
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol