smartest karate player in the world
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If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Solving a traffic jam
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My birthstone is kidney
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.