Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
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I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Coffee for people with no kids
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty