Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
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I wish gyms had a “montage” option
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*