My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
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Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.