10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
You sure about that?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Did I do this right
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!