I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
You Might Also Like
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.