Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Just say no
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.