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Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
The government even made aliens boring
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”