🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
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I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*