You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
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A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.