I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
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History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
A French press is when you hug naked
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…