Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
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“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I have so many questions.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence