[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
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[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”