Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
You Might Also Like
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook đź‘Ś
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin