Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
You Might Also Like
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
So many village idiots. So few dragons.