I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
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Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
same vibe as tangled headphones
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.