My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
You Might Also Like
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
🤔😂😂
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee