If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
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My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Just me?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family