*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
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Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.