throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.