*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
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A small tragedy.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate