Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
You Might Also Like
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
She: I like Cats
He:
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”