Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
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I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen