Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
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My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
San Francisco has too many rules
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.