Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
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*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.