I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
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I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.