Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
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ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Simple enough.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.