me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”