Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
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You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too