I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
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Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Just a bush.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
💁🏻♂️
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫