Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
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PARKOUR
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%