I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
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If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Just ordered me some pizza!
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.