[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
You Might Also Like
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable