Best seat on the street 😍
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Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar