people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”