My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
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I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
🤣🤣
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Spring of Deception
Yep.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Okay
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.