I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
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I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Acronyms got me like WTF?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Mad Max Arctic Road
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?