A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
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I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
“Great, now I have to pee.”
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.