*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
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Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
tell em, edith-anne
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
“You drive, I’m tired.”