Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
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Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.