[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
they split up moments later
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.