ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
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🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
…u ok Nintendo?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.