Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
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Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme