There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
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message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
this makes me so uncomfortable
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…