“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
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is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Well, that should do it
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
only 11 steps left
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year