Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
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The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut